we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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