dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
