so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
