Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
