No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
