he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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