I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
