if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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