somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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