Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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