Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
