i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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