I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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