i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
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I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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