I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
