i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
