We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
