if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
People in love make me want to vomit
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Bring me that man meat
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
