No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
