My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
