I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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