Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
