Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
