i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
