Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
