dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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