I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
