Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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