Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
