Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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