I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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