she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
