It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
