ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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