U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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