WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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