Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
