I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
