My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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