shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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