my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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