Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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