I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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