you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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