did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
