he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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