You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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