i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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