im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I love having hate sex.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
