come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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