Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
