did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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