You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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