Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You dont lie about slip and slides
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
