I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
