so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
