When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
