Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
