I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
